Active Dad: Rewriting the Story of Fatherhood - Modd | Ep. 54

New month. New guests. Real conversations.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and we’re kicking things off with Modd from Active Dad: a community focused on rewriting the story of fatherhood and creating space for men to grow, heal, and show up differently.

This episode goes deeper than surface-level talk. We get into past childhood trauma, the responsibility of raising young Black men, and what it really means to find an outlet where you can be understood without judgment.

This is a leveled conversation - man to man - unpacking real pain points while also exploring what’s possible when you finally find a community that gets it.

If you’ve ever felt like you had to carry it all on your own…this one’s for you.

Recorded exclusively at Charlotte Podcast Studio

#CreativeRootsPodcast #MentalHealthAwareness #ActiveDad #Fatherhood #MensMentalHealth #BlackFathers #Healing #Community

Thanks for listening! If this episode hit home, don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and share it with a fellow creative on their journey. 

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Tae-@taewiththeedits
Shamar-@alanluxstudios

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:00

This month, we're talking about mental health awareness. A group chat rule that we have, we'll all if someone puts in a group chat, like somebody called me regularly, that means hey, somebody, somebody call me. Doing the work with active dad, I've realized that men do not open up until they realize that the other guy's situation may be a little similar.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

I will say this too. When it comes to us men, especially black men, I feel we have, in a sense, too much space in a closed room.

SPEAKER_05 0:32

My follow-up question for that would be So, what does self-care look like for you?

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Self-care for me. Truth in the air, let it speak. But yeah. So like I said, man, May. The mental health awareness month. And I'm like, what you do, men need to know. Yeah. They have somewhere to go. You know, women always got friends they can go hang out with, chill with. But us as men, we be like, who you tell what you going through some stuff?

SPEAKER_02 1:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

You know, especially when you have homeboys that don't have kids, or you know, like my kids, my kids are old.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

You know, well, my baby boy is 11. Okay. But my daughter's 19.

unknown 1:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

My oldest son just turned 14. You know what I'm saying? But it's like, where do we go? Hang, chill.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

You know, as they call it, and I can't stand that word, vibe out. You know, what where do men go? And you know, when you came in, came in and you was on Perry's uh podcast, shout out to Perry, Follow Suit Podcast. Shout out to Perry. Shout out to you, P.O. Um, I was like, yeah. I said, I need to, I need to get mod on.

SPEAKER_05 1:55

Yeah, nah, I appreciate that, man. I appreciate you accepting it. Always thankful for any opportunity, man. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I appreciate that, bro.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

So I don't know if you watched any of the episodes. I saw a few. Yeah, you you know I have no beginning. We just be talking. You know, we we we end it. But um, yeah, I'm thinking I'm gonna bring on uh my homegirl, Natasha, again. You know, she's a therapist. So I'm I'm trying to yeah, I'm trying to really hone in on that mental health awareness, but I'm gonna let you speak to what y'all do and all that other stuff. Okay, you know. Um, so listen, y'all. Welcome back to another episode of Creative Roots Podcast, where seeds sown become visions grown. I am your host, Tay.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

And I am Dina, Tay sidekick for the day. Thank you, Dina. I was just telling what you was expecting. I could tell by your face. I don't appreciate it.

SPEAKER_05 2:57

Dina holding it down. Shout out to Dina holding it down.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Shout out to Dina. Yeah, shout out to you. Oh, and that reminds me. Shout out to Alla Lux Studios. I would like to thank us. Shout out to Charlotte Podcast Studio. I would like to thank us. And shout out to Artbox Charlotte.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

I would like to thank us as we thank you, Mono.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

And shout out to Mono too. By the way, we got a second collaboration going on with them right now. I'm just waiting on a response to an email. But yeah, shout out to them too for providing these mics. Yeah, man. We're loving these mics. These are nice. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Yeah, flashing lights.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

Like, I don't even want to touch it. Yeah, you see how it's like, move it like this. Oh, this right here, this arm goes up and down if you feel like it's too close. Okay. I mean, too close. I'm loud anyway, so yeah, I try to. Listen, y'all, this um this month, we're talking about mental health awareness. Um y'all heard me say it multiple times before. That's been a recurring theme with a lot of the creatives that was on here pretty much since the beginning. So I invited Mod, and he accepted the invitation. I'm so glad he did. This is why, and I'm gonna let him talk to it in a second. But this man is the founder of Active Dads, and this organization is exactly what it sounds like, right? It's a group of men that are able to get together and enjoy being able to, in a sense, vent. Because we know it's a lot of moms that be like, I need my me time. Dads don't get no me time because we always doing stuff. We constantly doing stuff. So I'm gonna just pass this over to Maud because he looks like he got something to say right now. I'm gonna pass this over to Maud right now and let him talk. I'm gonna shut up. So, Maud, do me a favor, introduce yourself to the uh to the audience and tell them about Active Dads.

SPEAKER_05 5:02

Um, and we can do it in just in conversation form. But um, once again, thank you guys for having me on. My name is Maud Torrance, and I'm the founder of um Active at The Active Dad, which is a nonprofit where um our main focus is fostering community, not only for fathers, but fostering community for kids as well. We do that by um play dates. We have virtual dad, we have virtual dad tribe calls um every third Wednesday. Um, shout out to everybody who just on our last call we had this week. And um, we just try to think of different innovative ways to bring dads together, but to also bring kids together so that um everybody can have community and everybody can learn and grow together, um, essentially. Uh I would say the focus points are just community, um, men's mental health, um, literacy, and just doing honestly all of the things that we feel and we deem that need to be, you know, showcased and highlighted from fatherhood.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Y'all, my allergies is cutting through.

SPEAKER_05 5:58

Hey man, and you and you don't know what season you're dressing for these days at all.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Because I I put on my creative roots shirt, yeah. But I walked outside, I say, yeah, let me grab that hoodie too. Man, so the the biggest thing is community, not just for dads, but also for the kids. Yeah. See, I don't think I remember that part. Okay. That's why I was like strictly with the dad. But I knew it was something with the kids too. Yeah. Um, I just didn't know what. So, um, of course, here on Creative Roots, we talk about the journey from the beginning. However, I want to again add this whole aspect of letting men know about your organization and where they can go, right? So let's start here.

unknown 6:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

What um what seed was planted or seeds that was planted that got you into the um the active dad space?

SPEAKER_05 6:56

Um, I would say the seeds that were planted that got me into doing the work in Active Dad was honestly just fatherhood. Um, kind of like what you led with earlier when I became a dad, um, I realized mom had so many different resources and so many different support groups, you know, to join. And at this moment, I saw a couple of dad initiatives, hadn't seen, um, had not seen a lot. Um, I can say that. So after that, I just brainstormed and thought about, well, what do I want to see? Um, I've always been a person that if I can't find what I want, I'm just going to create it. Um there you go. Yeah. So I'm like, oh, you know what? I'm just, and and that honestly, that that dates back to like just childhood in general. You know, the word creative now I feel has become a buzzword of our generation. True. So it's like everyone's creative, and I'm not, and I'm not knocking anyone that is, but um, when I when I look at my journey, it's just funny, just some of the characteristics I saw now as an adult. I saw myself as a kid. Like I was, like I always had a big imagination. And I've always been a visionary. So I know how I want things. Like if I envision things to be a certain way, I'm not going to stop until it gets done, you know, um, in in that way and in that aspect. Um, so the same when it comes to community building as well. Um, funny story. And when I was in like grade school when I was smaller, I would always get in trouble for not being bad and disruptive. But the teachers would say, everybody's around his desk. It's like everybody's around his desk. Like he's a leader in the classroom, and we need him to do this, or you know, he needs to tell the kids like to calm down and stuff like that. Like my mom um dealt with that like all through my upbringing. So as an adult, I can see it. That's kind of like entry-level community building, like just getting people together and doing and doing things like that. So um just adding it to the fatherhood aspect, I knew what I wanted, I knew what I felt. I was a first-time dad. Um, I have a unique situation where me and my dad's relationship now is good, but growing up it was inconsistent. So I experienced single parent childhood, but then also my mom was married. So I um had a stepfather in the home as well, who I still consider a dad. And so I got the best of both worlds when it came to those things. But when I became a dad, I just knew what I needed and I had a lot of questions. And my stepdad didn't have kids, so he can answer those questions. My dad, um he was just inconsistent in and out. So I didn't feel like he could give me the best advice when it when it came to parenting because it's because of his experience and what and what that looked like. So um just went into it, like, hey, let's let's get let's get a couple of my friends together, let's let's do some dad activities, let's have conversations. Luckily at the moment, both of my best friends at the time had kids, so I had people to lean on with experience, but just thinking about it's probably a lot of guys like me that probably don't have those resources, and that really kind of birthed everything.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

So it it really does go way back. Yeah. Okay. And I mean, a lot of things for a lot of us start at childhood, and it it could be, you know, like you said, the positive things, and you you, in a sense, had two dads, you know. Um even with the inconsistency, you had too. Yeah, you know, it's kind of the same thing with me. But my second active dad was, you know, my uncle, he's only nine years older than me. Okay, you know, so he's showing me things, teaching me things, and it's like we we still in a the same decade, you know what I'm saying? And then to be a leader and be seen as a leader that young, it happens, and I will say, I'm glad that you took hold to that. Yeah. Because some people they be like, nah, I don't want to do all that. Nah, don't be, hey man, go away.

SPEAKER_05 10:50

I kind of feel forced is one of those, like, I'm I'm one of those people, bro. I will come, I will get stuff done, but I'm gonna complain and be like, I don't feel like doing this right now, man. And and you try to like just sit back and and to allow others to come in and take over, but it's just that natural instinct of wanting to be assertive in such in situations, yeah. So um, yeah, I feel like I was running from it for a while. Like, oh, I don't want to do this. I'm like, all right, let's let's give it a try. Let's see what happens.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

I mean, I think that's normal though. Yeah, you know, because it's again, you have a vision, you want it to be done a certain way, but who gonna do it the way you envisioned it, right? Yeah, and then to just be like, I don't want to do it, yeah. I really feel that's normal because you also for me, I have this sense of, but what if it doesn't work out? Yeah, you know? So yeah, I'd be like, Ain't nobody trying to go ahead and do that. But you know, I mean it's the same thing with the podcast. Like I said before, I didn't I didn't want to be in front of a camera like that. Yeah, yet here we are, we're on episode 50 something. By the time this comes out, we'll be 50 something.

SPEAKER_05 12:06

That's impressive, man.

SPEAKER_01 12:08

I'm impressed that you remember the number this time.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

Yeah, because at the time of recording, we're at about 48, 49. Okay. Don't try to date and go back and see exactly when we recorded this, y'all. Um, but yeah. So being forced, was it he's been dragging that wagon all day? And every time I hear it, I just be like, where is he going? My bad. Um, but being forced to be this leader, um, what was what what did you deal with in that space during that time?

SPEAKER_05 12:46

Um, from conception of active dead, what I dealt with.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

No, just um feeling like you've been forced to be the leader all the time. The reason I'm asked to go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 12:57

Okay, uh, I I got that now. Um I would say just some of the some of the emotions like what you said earlier is like a why me type thing. Um and it's it's like I said, it's to me it's like a blessing and a curse because I don't I don't like going in situations where I have to wait on someone else to step up and get things done. But then also um I naturally just step up and get things done. I think one of the the downfalls that is to an extent, I can be a control freak, but not like a huge crazy control freak. Like everything has to be a certain way. But to an extent, I just I just know how I want things done. Um, but I would just say just taking the opportunity to just sit back and just think and visualize, like what do you want anything to look like? And I think that can apply to just life in general, and when it comes to imagining like how you want things. Um, I can say I remember as a kid, like growing up, I knew I was gonna end up moving from from Savannah because like I always felt uncomfortable in certain situations. And moving to Charlotte was it was one of the greatest opportunities for me because like I was telling Dina off mic, I'm not from here. I'm a down south country boy. I was in Savannah my whole life, and I moved here. I didn't know. So I was like, I'm just gonna move somewhere and I'm we just gonna start all over. And I feel like this is gonna be fun. We just gonna go. Yeah, like in some kind of some some kind of twisted way. It's gonna be fun uh to this. I was already working in banking, so I did a lateral move um to get here. But uh once once moving up here, they didn't they didn't match what the uh cost of living was here. So I was still getting paid on a salary from Savannah, but I'm living in a bigger city now. Yeah, so so they they they wouldn't um they wouldn't match that. So um I'm a hustler. So I I got up here, I worked my job, I got a part-time job, I grinded. Um I knew I wanted to be on the corporate side of finance. That was the end goal, that's the vision, that's what we're going for. And um ultimately that's where I landed in a couple of years after being here and working. So um when it just comes to just being a visionary, when it comes to just being a leader, and when it comes to communities taking charge, I think it's these are qualities that even with young adults, I feel like you learn at a younger age. But if you I want to say water them, but you know, just just just develop them more. Develop them as you grow, you know, as you grow older. Um, and you'll see the results in the end, and those small steps from being in small groups and playing little league sports. And I wasn't the best in little league sports, I'll say that right now. I was I was there for the vibes. I was there for the vibes, man. Do what I had to do. But it but but the funny thing about it, I look at little league sports, I look at it, I looked at it as like a networking opportunity as a kid. I didn't know it was networking, but I knew I remembered different kids from different teams. And when I would see them out, I'm like, oh, but that's that's that person. And though those are in the all of these are the entry-level steps to building and creating things, you know, identifying people, being able to um communicate, being able to have something familiar as well. I think that's um that's what works with active dad because we're all dads. A, we're all men. Um, secondly, we all have kids. Those are two things that we have in common right there. And from doing the work with Active Dad, I've realized that men do not open up until they realize that the other guy's situation may be a little similar to them. Because it is guys, you know, we we may feel we're gonna get judged. Or you or you don't want to speak too soon, or you don't want to say too much and be over over sharing. But um, that's been a beautiful thing about this community. It's just once once men can pinpoint that they're on the same page with another man, or they just have a lot in common, you would be surprised at what doors open for brotherhood, for fellowship, and for um conversation.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

Because most men have a wall, they keep up a wall, yeah. You know, some of that is from you know childhood.

SPEAKER_05 16:58

I think most of it is from childhood because how we weren't raised to like communicate, really.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

No, we were told keep your chin up, don't cry, don't cry at all. You oh let one chair come out, even though I'm whooping you, a tear banned fall.

SPEAKER_05 17:16

And then you grow up and everybody's mad because you don't open up, yeah. And you and you don't express yourself and you won't do that, and and and it's it's so many years that we're that we've been dealing with being programmed in this way, then when adulthood comes and um no not no nod to you, Dina, um, and and all the ladies, but especially like you if you're in like a relationship or something, one of the first things they're saying is you're not a good communicator and you don't know how to do this and you don't know how to do that. Well, what I've realized is just like me and you are agreeing on, we have so many years of being told the opposite. So now um now it it is time for a shift to happen, but unfortunately, men are going to have to be the ones to lead the charge when it comes to that. You uh you see a lot of conversation around society doesn't put an emphasis on like men's mental health month. When men's mental health month comes around, I think it was last year when I saw it, but you would see a lot of conversation about why why am I not hearing about this? How I hear about um women's month or women's mental health or things of that. And some of the conversations that I've had around it is back in the days, men led the community by taking charge, whatever we want to see more of, we can't wait for anybody else to do. We need to be the ones that are that are doing that. And I know we all may not be equipped or have the resources, but just finding, you know, whatever resources we got chat GBT, you got online, you know, things of that nature, but whatever help we can get, I feel like that's what's needed right now for our community, even more.

SPEAKER_00 18:52

Yeah. And finding those things, honing in on those things, and understanding again, you can open up without being judged. Yeah. You know, because like you said, there are men that won't say anything until they hear somebody else saying it.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

And and it's almost like you say, is that relatability? Yeah. You know, because if I'm dealing with something, I mean, we gotta have a somewhat of a relationship before I open up and say anything anyway.

SPEAKER_04 19:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

Right. So, question when you have y'all, you all's meetups, you know, when y'all get together, right? Do you have new guys that come in and they just instantly open up when they they hear what other men have dealt with going through or whatever? Or do they still kind of sit back until like, eh, maybe next time?

SPEAKER_05 19:49

I guess it depends on the guy's situation and the guy's personality, not situation. It the guys, it begins, depends. I'm sorry, I can't talk, but it depends more so on the guy's personality. Um, on our dad tribe calls, so we have a new format now. We're doing two virtual. Last year they were all virtual, and these calls have dads from all different cities on them. Um, going forward, we're doing two virtual, one in person. Um, just because I'm aware of the importance of just just interaction and being able to get together and camaraderie and just just just having that sort of experience. On our dad tribe calls, typically we get on, we introduce ourselves, whoever's running the call, um, they'll introduce themselves. And we always ask, we treat it like church. We tell the guys, hey, if you're new to the call, you know, just say like your name, you know, age, what city, how many kids you have, anything else that you may want to add, you can. Um, so this past week we had about five new guys. Um, yeah, we had about five, six new guys um on this week's dad tribe call. And I just think it's it's such a cool and dope meeting because the breakout rooms, it allows for you to see other guys go and have a conversation. And then if you're you if you feel comfortable and compelled to share, or we always ask everyone to share, but if you feel compelled, um you get the opportunity to see other guys go first. This week's topic was a Q1 reflection. What are some goals that you set for yourself for fatherhood? And we only we had two breakout rooms, we had 10 guys in in each room, um, 10 or it could have been a little more. But the dope thing about this week's call was all these guys don't know each other. And I'm the individual that creates the rooms. So I know people's personalities, and I I'll intentionally mix it up to just kind of balance it out. Each room was basically having the same conversation about how this year they want to be more intentional with their time they spend with their kids, um, balancing out work life balance between them and their kids and making and making time for themselves when it comes to self care. It's crazy that that was like the theme of both rooms, and they weren't even in the same conversation until we came in the end. And we had some new guys that were actually. In the end of the call, we allow guys to just express like what they um spoke about. We have some new guys that actually were the ones who led with the discussion on what the group's talking about.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

So they feel comfortable.

SPEAKER_05 22:12

Yeah. We're trying to make them comfortable.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:15

We live in it. We're discomfort. We experience discomfort so much. Come over there. We make you feel comfortable over here.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

Come on over. Come on, come on over here.

SPEAKER_05 22:26

We uh we'll make you feel comfortable over here.

SPEAKER_00 22:28

Let you know you got some brothers doing the same thing, which is so one thing you said, key word, um intentional, right? That has been my word for the year. Yeah. Being more intentional, you know, and and I'm on that same path, you know, intentionally spending more time with my kids. Like my daughter, she'll call me. We'll be on the phone for two hours, and she really said nothing. Yeah, you know, but I know giving her that time is way more valuable than a lot of any conversations we could ever have, you know. And, you know, my oldest sons, I try to make sure I'm home to play video games with them because it's me spending time with them, not them spending time with me. And I know that is something that we as adults have to understand. Yeah, you know, because we dealt with it as kids, and I feel that's like a subconscious thing that we do. Yeah. You know, for instance, Saturday mornings, my mom, she would go somewhere and then she would go have breakfast, right? And it's if you didn't get in the car, she didn't bring nothing back. You know, so it's like I gotta go with her while she does all this shopping, just so I can get some pancakes and eggs.

SPEAKER_05 23:42

It's not even worth it in the air.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

Right. But if in his time spent, you know, um, my uncle, he used to get up on Saturday early. Well, it's like I would go with my mom and she'd be home by like 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock most day, most days. And around that same time, my uncle is outside prepping his car to go to the car wash.

SPEAKER_04 24:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 24:06

So I will hop in the car with my uncle just so I can say I rode around in this nice car with this nice rim with the system in it. You know, and and I feel that now that's why I do what I do. You know, when we don't have anything going on here, you know, I'm like, hey, we're going somewhere tomorrow. Yeah. And my kids be like, where? I'm like, does it matter? You're gonna spend time with your daddy. You're going with me. And they're like, uh oh, that's it. All right, cool. Yeah, you know, every now and then I'll tell them where I'm going, and they're just like, uh oh. Hey, y'all. They're talking to the people they playing the game with. Hey, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow. I'm going with my dad. Yeah. And then their friends be like, oh, y'all going there? Hey, ask your dad, can I go too? And I'm like, uh I don't know about all that. The next thing I know, I still got a car full of kids.

SPEAKER_02 24:54

A car full of kids, now.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Yeah, and my son plays for the football team, so now we got two cars going. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:59

And I'd be like, That's dope, though, man.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

I'm like, hey, I guess that's just like you said, knowing what it's like to not, well, for me, not having a father, right? And then my only father figure really is nine years older than me. Gotcha. I know, get these kids out of the house, you know. I forgot why I was going with all that. But yeah, being intentional, yeah. I was going somewhere else.

SPEAKER_05 25:20

But no, and but it's it's funny, I'm the same way with my kids. I'm really big on kids and have too much idle time. Um, they need to get out of the house, they they need to do those things. Um yeah, they can they can make decisions, not too much decisions. Um they still got a parent here, you know, to guide and do those things.

SPEAKER_00 25:36

But you can make enough of your age.

SPEAKER_05 25:37

You feel me? Because I because some because sometimes I do feel with how parenting has changed so much now with this generation. I feel like a lot of kids don't have much to look up to when they get older. Like that there's certain things that you can only you can only do when you're adult. There's certain things you can only you know get when you're older. And I think some some parents, and and I I can see a world where you just want to give your kid everything that you didn't have, but in the same, in the same lens, it's like when they get older, what are they gonna have to look forward to? Right. So I purposely tell my kids certain stuff and they ask why and I say because I'm grown. You're not grown. So you so you can't do that. You wait till you get grown and you can do something.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

I I break things down to their age and the way they operate. You know, like my kids they'll go outside. My oldest son he plays football. Okay. So on any given day, almost half the football team is at my house. Chilling. Yeah, running through my grass. And I'm like, I'm never gonna have grass on that side of the house. And they did something, I was like, I don't want no kids in my house for a month. And my son, my oldest son, he goes up and say, He's like, hey dad, we got grass. I said, I know that's what happens when y'all not playing football or kickball in between the houses. Yeah, and then them kids have come over and I talk to them, and you know, they be like, Man, your dad cool, man. They got this this story that they done told one kid that I own part of Nike. Because we always wear Nike, like Nike, Nike get at me. We only really wear Nike, right? Yeah, so they're like, Man, y'all always got Nikes and y'all always got Jordans and da da da da da. And it's like, we got some stuff. They don't understand that some of them shoes I didn't pay full price for. Yeah, you know, some of these shoes are donated to me from the things that we do, yeah, you know, and we just always wear Nike, you know, but man, them kids come to the house.

SPEAKER_05 27:36

And they enjoy it. And they enjoy it, and you're and you're creating something comfortable for them. Yeah. So a comfortable place for them as well. So shout out to you.

SPEAKER_00 27:45

My house appreciated because my house is that neighborhood house. Yeah. And again, some of these kids get their parents to drop them off that stay 15, 20 minutes away.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:55

You know, some of their parents are coming like, hey, I heard you were watching the kids. Are they spending the night tonight? Yeah, no. I'm like, hey, make sure y'all come back and get y'all kids because then I stay in the night.

SPEAKER_05 28:05

Yeah, I don't do sleepovers. I don't I don't I don't do sleepovers.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

But I I do. Gotcha. I they they do. Because again, I'm my house is that house. Yeah. And I tell people, they're like, man, it's a lot of kids. I said, I would rather all them kids to be here when I can see and watch. And you say who?

SPEAKER_05 28:23

I said they could be anywhere else. Yeah. So it's good that they didn't have a safe place. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:27

And then one of the football coaches stays right down the street. So he'll come up the street.

SPEAKER_05 28:31

So it's a family affair.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

Yeah. Yeah. And then another coach stays that way, one coach that way. So, you know, every now and then they we all at my house. Yeah, you know. So I have no problem with the kids being there. But yeah, you have to get them something to look for. You know, my kids, I told somebody one time, and I told this to a lot of other dads that I talk to, and it's like, are we spoiling these kids or are we giving them a piece of what we never got?

SPEAKER_05 28:58

I think it's a mix of both.

unknown 29:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

You think it's a mix?

SPEAKER_05 29:02

I think it's a mix of both, but sometimes you can look back and be like, okay, hold on. They may be a little too spoiled now. Like my daughter thinks whenever we're in a car, we should be able, she should be able to just stop and I should go buy something. And I and I had to tell her that I got her from dance last week and she's like, we should get Chick-fil-A. I said, but we have food at home. I know, but we should get Chick-fil-A. I said, I'm I'm starting to pick up on every time we're in the car. It's like, hey, we should stop here. Nah. Nah. Um, so yeah. So yeah, I I think it's a good balance that we're having, you know, with our kids. At least for me, I can I can speak and say, all right, cool. I laughed like a month or so ago on TikTok, there was some uh, it was a basically like the the new version of hamburger helper that you would just cook yourself. So it's not like hamburger help in the store. It was basically someone took all the ingredients, but like doctored it up, you know, put like diced peppers and stuff in different kinds of cheeses. Okay, it was and it was really good. Like if you just want to throw a quick meal together in the house, get your ground beef, get your peppers, get your cheese, all of that stuff, tomato, uh tomato paste. And um me and the wife enjoyed it, it was good. I gave it to my kids, and they were like, no, they were just like, we don't like this.

SPEAKER_06 30:14

What is this?

SPEAKER_05 30:16

And I'm like, I grew up on like real hamburger helper. Yeah, so this is just yeah, really just some fancy gourmet ground beef and noodles and everything that you can make. And me and the wife thought it was so good, and I was like, I think we're doing too good with these kids. Yeah, they don't they don't know, they don't know about no hard time.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

No, I I will say this too. Two things that I remember both of them. I'll say the first one first, but I realized when I got older, the only reason we was having breakfast for dinner is because that's all that was in the house. We ain't had nothing but pancake mix, and ain't nobody ate them eggs, so we might not hey kids, you want pancakes and eggs for dinner? Yeah, we had to make it. We were so happy and excited, but excited, but it was like because it ain't no ground.

SPEAKER_05 31:01

Hey, had to stretch some meals.

SPEAKER_00 31:02

Right.

SPEAKER_05 31:02

Had to stretch some meals, man.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

And and then my kids, my oldest son, he they have a um a cooking class at the middle school. So he comes home, yeah, he's like, hey dad, this is what I was, you know, this is what we learned today. Hey, can we make that too? And him and my baby boy, they will send us recipes all day. That's good. And we will get in that kitchen. My uh, my oldest son, he loves making sesame chicken.

SPEAKER_04 31:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

We have a recipe for like um some kind of special burrito.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:36

And you know, like you said, you docked up the meat, you create some sauce, yeah, you put the meat in this sauce, and then you put it in this burrito wrap, and then you put um some other stuff up in it, and then you roll it up, you put it back on the pan, you know, you just uh uh grill it.

SPEAKER_05 31:51

Okay, and we're good.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

You in there now. Man, we did that with five pounds worth of beef. You know how much was left over?

SPEAKER_05 31:59

That's a lot of food.

SPEAKER_00 32:01

I got some babies that eat. And I say my boys eat. Like we cooked that, let's say we cook that at uh noon, they going back for seconds.

SPEAKER_05 32:12

That's how my kids are. Yeah, my kids are pretty greedy. Yeah, they're they're pretty greedy, but hey but they're active.

SPEAKER_00 32:18

Yeah, so I give them credit for that. We gotta do what we have to do with them, man.

SPEAKER_05 32:22

We most definitely gotta do what we gotta do with them.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

Yes, yes. So all of that, man, it's just a bunch of things from childhood, pairing up, partnering up with other people, finding the similarities and going from there, right? And then growing and building. You start active dads, um, you got a pretty good following, and I know it's just growing over time because I mean you just had five new people on the last call. Yeah, you know, so with everything that you're doing, um how has that support system been? And how have you seen other people um affected by what you do?

SPEAKER_05 33:01

Um okay. The the for the for the first half of that, I'll go on record and always say, I feel like I have the best support system um ever. And I I can say that from learning, you have to teach people how to friend you. And I think in this generation, in this time and age, now a lot of people don't like they they feel like everybody should just always have it together. And I feel like in certain aspects, people should have it together. But if people are there for you, just let them know how to show up for you and how to be a good friend for you. Um, so when it when it all when it comes to support, I'll I'll always say I think I'm blessed to have one of the best when it comes to family, um, when it comes to my immediate friends and even a community that's been birthed through Active Dad. Um, we all we all support each other. I think everyone does a great job of supporting me. Um because I'm a man of wears many hats, I just had to learn how to take help from people because um, you know, sometimes you don't you don't want to take help because it may not get done the correct way. And I think maturity is just learning that if you want to bring people on to help you, just showing them how you want it to be done in the end. Um yeah, but but with that, man, um just the support aspect, just from us guys in general and the dads, um, we all support each other outside of active dads. So we have guys that are um trainers, DJs, uh real estate agents, things of that nature. And my my biggest um visually, I I that's how I wanted it. I just wanted to be a community to where it's like a one resource shop, one-stop shop. You can literally find everything, you know, that you um have within the community. And um that goes from uh just a lot of transparency. Um to answer the second part of the question, I feel that when you can see other people just be their true selves and see how they're received, I think that has motivated others to just kind of open up more. So in our in our dad chat, we actually did this yesterday. I just randomly threw in there and say, hey guys, scale to one to five, how y'all feeling today? Um I'm about a 3.754 because of XYZ. And then everyone's just dropping in there. Oh, I'm a I'm a three today, or I'm just if anybody is saying they're like a to a lore, everybody's like, what's going on? Like what you need, like do you need to call me? Um, all of that came from these are just behaviors that have been demonstrated and mimicked um over time. And I think just um to the question that you asked, that allows that allows for other guys to feel comfortable, then it also allows for other guys to be okay opening up to other guys because of the conversation that we just had. Um when it comes to just guys opening up in general. Something that I live by, and I've said this before um on a podcast, is I feel like if you have friends, if if I call you friend, um, you're a true friend of mine. And to be a true friend of mine, I feel that I'm going to expose different sides of me to you so that you can know how to be the best friend for me. Um, a lot of guys don't operate like that. And I've I've always argued that with when it's time for y'all to go to the club and y'all buy the sections full, everybody popping bottles, everybody wants to say what they're gonna put on the sign when it comes out in the club. But then time you're going through stuff, you you online saying you don't have nobody to talk to. And for the life of me, that that makes no damn sense. Because if we partying together, when when it's getting tough, I'm calling you and you need to be able to, hey, it's it's it's an even exchange. So um I think now just with guys like we were saying, there's a um evolution that's turning with guys just being more open. And I think it's because of like the work that I'm doing, um, the work that many of the guys um that are that are out here doing. Like I can say shout out to um Brandon from the Black Man Can page. I just had dinner with these guys in Atlanta. We had like uh just to come together as brothers, but Brandon from the Black Man Can. Uh shout out to Calvin, who's the founder of Daddy Stroller Gang. Those the they have the strollers and they do a lot of we do a lot of similar stuff, just creating those spaces for dads. They just had a wellness retreat for dads um last year. Uh Kari with library dads in Atlanta. Um Meyer, he has a brand here for here for dads. They just did Pints and Ponytails, I want to say two weeks ago. Um, Terrence, he has an organization called Um The Kill Pride Club. They do a live podcast where they get people to come together and just have, you know, just this conversation and brotherhood. Um, so I say all that and I give all give all those examples to say for us, and when I say us, I mean black men, it's so much work that's going to have to be done. We can have a hundred different organizations all promoting community and brotherhood, and whether it's fatherhood or whatever your niche is, that's still not gonna be enough, bro. Um, that that's just how much work needs to get done because I'll there's some guys that'll begin by it to my stuff that's still yet to still yet to come. Like I've talked to some of my neighbors sometime, and I'm like, hey, like tell your husband to pull up. He's like, Yeah, he's not really, he's like, yeah, but he ain't really into that. That ain't really his thing. And I don't, I don't knock it. I say, hey, we're always here. You know, if you're trying to pull up, tell them to pull up on us. And each guy that's always operated like that, once they come to one of the events, at the end, they're like, bruh, I had no idea I needed this, bro. Like, I was able to connect with a lot of guys. My kids have made friends, they're playing, yeah. Um, they're doing great things like that. So um it it it all comes with the work. But uh just to answer those questions, I think the impact that it's had on a lot of different guys, it's happening and it's still growing. It's happening and it's still growing. As I learn, you know, whatever tools I get, I love to pass them, pass along to the next guy so that we can all just help each other out in the air.

SPEAKER_00 38:46

Yeah. That yeah, me and D. That's a lot. I didn't expect all that. Yeah, you know, but I mean, you because you do get these these guys, it I always feel like you said, it's like when you have that person, it's like, nah, that ain't my thing, and it's like you don't really know what the thing is, but it's cool until you get there.

SPEAKER_05 39:06

But you said it's not your thing, it's cool.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

Whenever you come around, and every time when they come around, April, like, and I'm not gonna force you to be here, you know, because it it needs to be what you want to do. Yeah, not me, bro. Just come on, man. Just come on, just because now you're going into this thing, and it's like those memes where it's like when you invite your friend to church, it's not that bad. And then the meme is like something crazy is going on in that church, and it's like, you say the church wasn't bad. That lady climbing the wall like she's spotted woman. Like, what's going on, bruh? This is not, you know. So, you know, yeah, you you have to give them, like you said, get them that space.

SPEAKER_02 39:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:45

And I will say this too. When it comes to us men, especially black men, I feel we have, in a sense, too much space in a closed room. Yeah. If that makes sense. You know, we we this box is where we live, in a sense, you know, whatever this box is for whatever, you know, the individual person, but we still have all this space that's a void.

SPEAKER_05 40:09

Yeah. And so what what what would you categorize that space as?

SPEAKER_00 40:14

That you said, avoided space, just looking for something, yeah, you know, like the fellowship with other men, or you know, just time to sit and do nothing. Yeah, you know, the the uh release of not having to worry, yeah, you know, that's how I see that space because you we're always like, well, I'm not gonna say always, but I know for me, it's like, man, I gotta pay this bill, I gotta pay that bill, I gotta go to work, I might have to pick up overtime. Oh shoot, we got this event going on, we got that event going on. Uh man, I should have charged that person a little bit more because I need this. And it is it's like your brain's always going. Yes, everything is evolving around taking care of house at home and making sure that you can do so so you can quote unquote get to a point where you can be comfortable. And that's that little box that we that I know I've personally put myself in. Now, my little box is getting a little bit bigger, yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm I'm getting less and less worried. Yeah. The more people I talk to, communicate with, um, the more people that sit right there in that chair, you know, that have communications with, uh, these conversations, because I don't like calling them interviews. This is not a job. Yeah, you know. Um, but the more and more I talk to people, the more it's like, oh, I can do that. Oh, I can help with that. Oh, well, yeah, you know, conversations with Shamar, conversations with Dina is just a lot of times this space, yeah, you know, like I said, is is getting filled to a point where I can be more than comfortable.

SPEAKER_05 41:52

I guess my some my follow-up question for that would be so what does self-care look like for you?

SPEAKER_00 41:58

I don't know. Serious answer. Self-care for me? I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 42:07

I mean, and and that's some and and if you don't know, I mean that that that's a great answer too. Um I asked that because just because I I know how you answered some of the questions and how I once operated is something that is since we're on the topic of mental health, like we have to prioritize self-care, but that wasn't something we were taught. So we're really figuring it out, like what does self-care look like for you? And and it could be anything, you know. For for some guys, it may be the 30 minutes in the car after work, um, or or just going for a run, or you know, fellowship and um creating that that could be a form of self-care. But um, when you think of self-care, just think of something that like no one's expecting anything from you in this moment. Like this is the moment that you have for yourself so that you can do what you want to do to be the best version of you, because that was that was something I didn't learn from therapy. Um my therapist did help identify that I had like a um survivors complex that I was raised off of. And then she helped translate how that works and just how I operate on a day-to-day basis. And really, it wasn't healthy. Um, because it's it's it's the it's the constant feeling of what's next. Gotta figure this out, gotta figure this out, gotta figure this out. Like, and just just not stopping. So something that I had to learn was to just stop, to just be um and to be present. And then also I think just from when you when you have your own family and it's a lot of pressure on you because of those different roles. I think that's even more important to where as men we had we need to do a better job of just telling our families hey, this is what I need right now. Like, hey, dad just got off work. I need an hour, I just need to sit in my room and or 30 minutes. I just need to sit, breathe, let me go for a walk. Do whatever because. Because we give so much to where we don't we get refilled, but it's not as much as we need. And sometimes the amount that you're getting refilled, it's probably gonna be gone in 24 to 48 hours. So now you're back, so now you're back operating, feeling depleted. But um just just tying it in like to the mental health um conversation. Self-care is something I tell all guys, like be sure, you know, that you guys lock in with that, figure it out on what it is for you. Like when I asked you and you said you didn't know, that's a great answer. That means you got so much other stuff. I can tell you that this is a form of self-care for you right here. Um, but you have yeah, but you uh but you would have to get to a point of having like a routine with it. And this is where that that balance comes a little hard when you're trying to balance out everything with that. But something my great-grandma would always tell us is if you don't control it, it's going to control you. And that's really how life is. If you don't sit and say, hey, on Wednesdays, these are gonna be my days of self-care. If you don't put a hard stop on, it's kind of like work. If you don't put a hard stop for lunch, guess what? It's it's gonna run over you. Um and and that was something my great-grandma did not believe in washing clothes on Sundays. She said on Sundays you don't wash clothes. She said, All you do is you go to church, you eat, you lay down, and you rest because you need a day. And how I had been functioning for a while, it was just so much over and over. And then you start to feel it on your body.

SPEAKER_00 45:26

So um Oh yeah, oh yeah. So I'll go back and re-answer the question. I do um what I call lock aways.

SPEAKER_04 45:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 45:34

Um, for those that don't know, because I don't think you ever heard me mention that. So a lock away is basically like you said, I just need my time.

SPEAKER_02 45:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

And that lock away could be okay, I need to get these projects done. So I'm in my creative bag, right? I'm in my creative space.

SPEAKER_02 45:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:51

There's no phone calls.

SPEAKER_02 45:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:53

There's no answering emails. Dana can tell you, I won't respond to any messages. That's good. You know, uh, the group chats that we have, things like that, yeah. I'm not going to respond until I get to a certain space.

SPEAKER_02 46:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:06

I'm not answering the phone. Phone is on vibrate. The phone might even be in a completely different room. Yeah. So that way that that ding is not, or that vibration is not a distraction. Like I might have it on my watch, be like, oh, okay, I'll check that later. Yeah. You know, if it's not like somebody like my wife or my grandma, I'm not answering the phone.

SPEAKER_02 46:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:27

You know, uh uh, I was about to say something, but I know Shamar is gonna be like, yeah, he don't even answer the phone for me. No, I don't. You know, um and in some days that lock away can be I'm playing video games all day. Yeah, don't bother me. If your name is not Chandra, who is my wife, don't bother me. You know what I'm saying? Other days it's I'm sitting in this house and I'm watching movies all day. I don't want to talk to nobody. Yeah, I don't want to talk and I don't want to listen. I have those days. So I guess I guess I can put my self-care in that because I I try to do it once a week and just be like, I don't want to talk.

SPEAKER_05 47:07

And that's just what you need, you know, Jesse, just the time, like opportunity. Um, I'm somewhat, I'm learning more about cigars now. So I have like cigars. I'll just like go in my garage, um, smoke one of my cigars. I'm watching Joe Budden or something on there. And I'm just like, hey, I'm I'm in my own world right now. Right. I'm I'm Zenmar right now. Like everybody, y'all, y'all can burn the house down for all I care right now. Let me be in this one space um that is controlled that I feel like feel like is is is refilling, is refilling me. But um, but nah, I just want I wanted to ensure that I touched on that because man, like even the numbers, um, and I was doing some research last night for today, but um black males are number one when it comes to suicide. Oh right now. And and these are uh CDC numbers that are that are being produced that um black males are number one, and they're seeing more suicide right now between the ages of 10 and 24 than ever before. Wow. So it's and you you a lot I think takes into play when I think of that age group as well. You also think of, you know, the pressure of social media, um, the the pressure of kind of like some of the stuff you were alluding to before, but um, me personally, this isn't a stat, this is just from my life experience. I feel that black men are boxed in more than any other demographic. Um, and and I have friends of different races and stuff like that. And it's like it's just it's a lot of stuff that they can do that we can't do. And it's not saying that the things that they're doing are bad, but I do feel to a certain extent that our community can be a little bit more harsh when it comes to judging, which then like you were speaking on earlier, it slaps us back in this box of you don't want to venture out and do too much. I was watching a video on Twitter a couple days ago, and it's um some uh it's a group of guys, they're out to dinner. It looks like a nice dinner, and like everybody has their phone out, like recording, and the comments were like, You a man, what are you recording for? You shouldn't be doing so and so. Hey bro, I don't know how you guys grew up, but I've lost a lot of people to like just death to car accidents, gun violence, things of that nature. If you're out with your friends, you want to record it. Because like life is just so precious and so fragile right now, to where I'm I'm very much the picture taker friend. I got pictures and videos of of any and everybody because I don't have a lot of my childhood documented. So that's why I operate in that sense. But I use that as an example of just saying how like you're being police is being a black man, saying, Oh, you shouldn't do that. And a lot of guys did respond and was like, bro, black men go through so much, record dinner with your friends because you don't know that may be the last dinner that that you guys get together. So um just saying it's just important for all of us to keep our mental health at the top of mind on to have these conversations like we're having it, even from you know, your fan base and audience that you have watching this, you know, hopefully guys are going to see this and different it's gonna help them be like, you know what, I need to go lock in and play my video game. So I need to go get into my creative lock-in, you know, and get things done like that because those numbers are real when it's coming to you know just us dying in general, but the deaths that can be somewhat avoided, I think as a community, we could do a better job with it.

SPEAKER_00 50:24

I agree. And and a lot of things is just asking a simple question. Um Chef Walt asked the same question, and I tell you, I say, you ask a man, especially a black man, this question. One or two things is gonna happen. They're gonna stand up and they'll be able to give you an answer, or two, they're gonna break down. Yeah, and the question is just as simple as, so how are you feeling? How are you today? Yeah, and it's like nobody really asks us that. We're too busy being told what to do, what to say, how to do it, how to say it. And that goes back to some most of the time, childhood and yeah, that whole mental health of I can't cry. I'm not allowed to show my feelings, I gotta always have my chest poked out, I have to assert myself, I have to X, Y, and Z. And it's just like, but why? You know what took place where we weren't allowed to cry, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, what took place where we were no longer allowed to express ourselves, yeah, you know, but everything is on us, yeah. You know, I understand the Bible is like, you know, the man is the head of the household, but even David cried.

SPEAKER_02 51:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:40

And David was one of the greatest warriors and kings in the Bible.

SPEAKER_03 51:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:44

You know what I'm saying? And it's like David cried, but I can't. And that was a whole servant of God. I'm a servant of God, and I can't say no. Okay. You know, so I mean, I know it's rhetorical. Like, when when do we get into this space?

SPEAKER_05 52:00

I blame, I blame a lot, and there is no there is no data to support this. Let me put that out there. There's no data to support this. Um, me and my friend Miles, that's I'm on the untitled podcast with him, but we contribute a lot of this to that 400 years of slavery. We contribute. So we call it the big foe. We always say, like, you say what you want, but the big foe had a lot, like we're seeing a lot of the damage that that did. And I I would think that at a time like that, and just everything that they were, you know, experiencing, um, enduring and setting out to accomplish, you know, men couldn't be weak in those moments. But I I contribute a lot of that, and and I don't have no data to back it up, but I can just sit and say, because there's so much that we learn about now that is tied to slavery that we didn't know about before. So it's like I would think from an emotional intelligence standpoint as well, that those those things, um, that those things all somehow they they loop together for each other.

SPEAKER_00 53:05

That uh spider web, you got something to say, Dina?

SPEAKER_01 53:09

Oh no, I was gonna say the same thing about the slave about slavery, because I read somewhere, you know, the babies couldn't cry. Say if a slave was escaping, so you know they had to you know cover the baby's mouths so they wouldn't cry. So a lot of things. Yeah, exactly. So you're I agree with you about slavery. And you know, another thing I've learned is about the body keeps the score. So you think about our ancestors that couldn't cry or couldn't express themselves for whatever reason, it's it's been passed down generation, generation to generation.

SPEAKER_00 53:42

It's in our DNA. That's not here, yeah. It's in business, but we can break it.

SPEAKER_05 53:47

I ain't Tasha Kobb, so I ain't breaking it. I don't know, but uh listen. Come on, Tasha. I'm with you though. Because it's exhausting, very it's it's exhausting, but it's like I said, it's it's a beautiful thing, but it's going to take just a lot of work. It's gonna take um a lot more men standing up in the community, leading in charge, and also leading by example. And um, it's it's just gonna take take a lot of work. I um I have a cohort right now at Morehouse uh that I'm working with. Um we have Project Inspired Leadership Academy that we're doing through the accouns and department. And um one of our lessons was on emotional intelligence. And some of the boys uh they said, you know, I didn't grow up seeing my dad express himself. I didn't grow up seeing my dad cry. I didn't grow up seeing granddaddy cry. So I wasn't until they got, you know, a little of age and in high school, because these very intelligent guys, but they were just basically saying what's till they really got a little older and started doing stuff for themselves because growing up, they didn't see it. So they they were taught to, you know, mimic what they did see. And that goes back to the conversation we had earlier. This is how the new generations are coming up because the work that we're doing, they're not everyone's doing that. So it's it's it's gonna take so much conversation, just so much um visibility um for that tie to turn. I think it's turning slow turn, yeah. It's turning, but it's it's just gonna take a lot of conversations like this.

SPEAKER_00 55:18

Yeah, and I tell that to my sons too, you know, because you can tell when something is bothering your kids to the like last football season, I think it was, you know, my son didn't get in the game first game. Okay, and he was walking around, and I know when he's upset, yeah. Like he's got like this blank stare all the time, yeah. And he he his blank stare was more like a I'm pissed blank stare. So I'm like, what's wrong? He was like, nothing. I said, I don't like your tone. What's wrong? He was like, nothing, dad. I'm good. I'm like, no, you're not. So I pulled him away because I seen his face, I seen him about to break, and I said, Jacob, what's wrong? Let's say ain't nobody here but me and you was gonna heat. And the crazy thing, and I was proud of him, but I was trying not to laugh at the same time. He said, I ain't get to hit nobody. And I'm like, you upset because you didn't get to hit. Okay, you really love playing football, you really love being on that field and you really love hitting people. But I was just thinking to myself, like, you upset. Okay, you know, and I'm like, so he he got tears coming down his face, and I'm like, seeing people come around because hey, Mr. Harris, hey man, I'm like, I said, wipe the sweat off your face. Still giving him like I see you crying, yeah. And it's okay to cry, let it out.

SPEAKER_06 56:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:38

But, you know, understand maybe you didn't get in the game because you didn't assert yourself enough in practice. You didn't speak up. Hey, coach, stop playing, put me in the game, you know. Um, but I forgot where I was going with that. Um, the way kids come up, yeah, you know, like I allow my boys to have that space to express themselves and we have conversations, you know. I'm not that parent that's just like, eh, and that's bottom line, you know, because I know growing up, I wasn't allowed to explain myself. Yeah, you know, so I'm getting in trouble for something I didn't even do. And it's like, but Ma, I I it wasn't me. And it's like, I don't care. And it's like, but wait a minute. Now I'm taking the blame for something that, you know, one of my told you didn't I was gonna hit it, one of my other siblings has done. And it's like, I don't think that's fair. Yeah. But like you said, that goes back to how we were raised and being an example, you know, like I try not to have uh what do I want to call them? Heated debates. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 57:45

There we go. Passionate conversations, passionate conversations.

SPEAKER_00 57:49

I try not to have those with the wife in front of the kids, you know, because it's again, it's something that they're learning.

SPEAKER_02 57:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:56

You know, so I'm like, mm-mm. We're gonna have this conversation upstairs. Hey, kids, go outside. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_05 58:02

The mom and daddy talk right now.

SPEAKER_00 58:04

Right. And, you know, so I because the thing is I want them to understand, like, hey, you there's a certain way you're supposed to talk to a woman. Yeah, you know, there's a certain way you need to talk to your mom. There's a certain way you need to talk to me.

SPEAKER_02 58:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:15

And letting them see the right examples. You know, every now and then, you know, something happens, you get a little angry and you go a little too hard with whatever you're mad about, you know, like you you just scream one good time. And you just like, son, sometimes you just gotta scream. You ain't gotta, you know, go outside and throw nothing. You know, you ain't gotta break nothing in the house, you know, just ah, one good time, and you know, that could be it. Yeah, but getting them to know that they can express themselves is a big thing for me. Yeah, you know, especially being black men, young black men, you know, and they both got their hair locked too. So it's already, you already got three strikes against you. Yeah. You young, you black, and you, you know, your your hair. You know, you you come from a six some, I'm gonna say successful. Yeah. You know, because we're not struggling.

SPEAKER_06 59:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:05

You know, we're not where we want to be, but we're not like, oh snap. You know, these lights are about to get cut off. All right, kids, we're gonna play a game. Who can light the most candles? You know, we're not we not in that space, you know. But and even when I stopped driving a truck, I used to tell them like I said, listen, I don't make what I used to make. So we can't spend what we used to spend. There's not gonna be a lot of eating out. Yeah, you know, we're gonna have to dial everything back.

unknown 59:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:34

And my kids understand that. One Christmas I told them and said, hey, daddy can't give y'all nothing but you know $200. They were like, that's fine. Yeah. They wanted me to build them gaming PCs. Y'all gonna have to wait. But I reached out to some people and I was able to still get that for them. You know, and my kids are very grateful. You know, they will tell you thank you just for cooking dinner. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you say what? I said, good kids. Good kids, because they ain't got another choice. I tell my girls all the time, I say, listen, I say, hey, tighten up. I fight kids, especially the ones with my last name. I fight kids. You know, their friends come over and I'm like, I fight kids. Y'all about the same. We're about the same bike. I fight kids. Ain't nobody gonna know no different. They be like, whoa, Mr. Harris. You know, and and another thing with discipline too, man. I mean, kids need discipline, but I don't have the time and the energy to whoop you. Give me 25 push-up straight.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:28

And it don't count if I don't hear you say it. Because you can be down there. I did 25. I only seen you do three. I only seen you do three. That's it. You know, so I'm like, things like that, especially with having to be a football dad, you know what I'm saying? And and they always outside. So the whole football team, I'm like, listen, it's y'all work as a team. If one person does something wrong, the whole team loses. You know, and if y'all continue doing the wrong things, the whole team loses. Yeah, it's not like you win because you made that touchdown. You still on the team with the rest of the players and y'all still lost. Yeah. So that's how I have all these kids at my house when they come over. We go through rules. What time does my kitchen close? What happens if you come in the kitchen after this time? Yeah. What time do y'all need to be picked up by? You know.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:16

You say your kitchen closed. Kitchen is closed. Hey, no, that's my kind of parenting. I grew up on that. Kitchen is closed.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:23

Kitchen closes at nine. Kitchen shut down. And I tell them, I say, you come in here, I say, you gotta give me a push-up for every minute after nine o'clock. And they'd be in there like 11:30, 12 o'clock, midnight, like Mr. Harris. Hey, I'm hungry again. I say, do you really want to take that?

SPEAKER_05 1:01:42

Yeah, that's my kind of parenting right there.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:44

So what they do is they go upstairs, because we're getting in trouble as a team. Yeah, they're gonna find at least five more people.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:50

There we go. I like that. And you teaching them how to stick together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:54

How they sit together, how to form their own little communities, hold each other accountable. Right. You know, it's lessoning. And another thing, too, while we're talking about these kids and the mental health thing, you know, I had to tell them, I say, listen, I want y'all all to understand you don't have to be on the field or on the court to make it to the NFL or the NBA.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:13

There are other positions. And it's like a light bulb went off in some of these kids' heads, especially my son. He was like, wait a minute. I can be a coach.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:22

I can be a referee. I can be an assistant coach. I could do commentary.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:27

They can most definitely get there. There's a lot of different avenues. Yeah. And that that's the beautiful thing about exposing our kids to a lot of young. Yes. And not in and them not having to wait until they let's say get older and they're in like a college to finally get exposure. I think it's I think it's really good to plant those seeds in your kids while they're young, allow them to see different, um, just different things, different careers. Oh, yeah. I just had a news interview a couple weeks ago and I took both my kids. I was like, no, because I want you guys to see this, you know, meet the news anchors, see what a news station looks like. Because I didn't, I didn't have those opportunities growing up. Right. So um that I I love that you're doing that and just telling them, hey, you want to get to the get to the league or you want to, you know, get to the NBA, look at all of the different routes and don't be so long, then on because all it can take is how many how many times have you heard the stories of guys that were so set on going to the league then they got an injury? And then that that took them out. Um never made it at all. Yeah, or or just never made it at all. So just to let them know it's different avenues that they can take is to still if if sports is still a passion of yours, you know, you go through ESPN, be like you said, be a commentator, or or I think they had a they had an ESPN office here in Charlotte at one point. Hey, go shadow or go go go check out and see those things, but um, it all gets you to the same place any end, no matter what route you take.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:42

Yeah, and one thing that uh my oldest son Jacob said too, man, he was like, Hey dad, can I use your old camera? And I'm like, why? He's like, Oh, because I'm gonna, you know, go to the school and take pictures when we got events, da da da.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:56

And I'm like, okay, cool. Then he's like, Can I come to your studio? Can I, you know, go with y'all when y'all have these events? And I'm I'm listening to the hidden message. Yeah. And the hidden message I'm hearing is that I just want to spend more time with you. I want to learn what you do so I can spend more time with you. And that's something else I know a lot of people don't do. Yeah, they don't take the time to listen to the hidden message. You know, I know people that are like, man, I be tired when I come home. He wanna go outside and throw the football. Yeah, you know, they want to play baseball, they want to do all this stuff, man. I be tired. And I'm like, and that's exactly what they're gonna remember when they get older. That kid makes it to the league, he becomes somebody. The only thing he's gonna remember is my dad was too tired. And is that what you want to be remembered by with them at you know, this age gap of nine to 15? Yeah, and I'm and that's why I do lock aways too. That's another reason why Shamar, a lot of things don't get done when you expect it to. You know, yeah. Shamar be like, Hey, I thought you were hey, spending time with my kids was way more important than that project, especially if it's something for us. You know, we got deadlines, I stick to them. That's another reason why I push our stuff out so soon. Yeah, you know, I try to get it done that day because I know tomorrow I'm not doing nothing.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:17

Or tomorrow, something something might come up.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:20

You know, like I might get sick. You know, God forbid, because I don't really get sick. Allergies is kicking my butt, but I don't really get sick. Or, you know, I gotta go here and do this, I gotta go here and do that. You know, so it's just being able to hear these hidden messages that these kids are telling us, like my baby boy will come and sit in the office knowing that I'm working, knowing that I'm editing something. He'll just sit there on his phone. I'll stop, I'll say, What's up, son? Nothing, I just wanna be in here. Oh, okay. So I was cool. How you doing? How you feeling? Because he's gonna remember dad took the time when he was in the midst of working. That's how I see. Visualize things, you know. And even for us as adults, hey, what's going on, man? Sometimes that's not just a just, hey, what's up, tech. You know, it's like, I need somebody to talk to. You know, and that's just me. I feel like I'm rambling now.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:17

No, and especially, I mean, especially that that that last part, you know, you're just stating that, you know, we all, everyone needs to have a conversation, you know, with other ones, but just the importance of just spending time together, uh, whether it's with your kids, whether it's with you know friends, if that and and what can come of it. Um, because especially the last point, if it's like a conversation or something that people are, you know, texting that that could be the segue to I I need to open up something with a group chat rule that we have, we'll all if someone puts in a group chat by somebody call me right now, that means hey, somebody, somebody better call them. We don't know what's going on, you know, but you're going through stuff, and I think you know, just having those moments like that to be able to check in is what ultimately just helps everybody's mental health in the air.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:02

And it's needed. It's needed. So I'm uh I'm gonna wrap this up because obviously you can see we can talk all day. Y'all already know take and talk, take and talk for hours. Um so the the this is how we're gonna end it. Two things. One, okay, um what seed would you plan or advice would you give to um other men in this mental health space? Um or anybody looking to create something in their space?

SPEAKER_05 1:07:36

I would knowing, so I live by this saying that everyone has a social responsibility. I feel everyone has a social responsibility no matter what you're doing. Um, I feel that we're we've been placed on this earth to learn. Um, then after you learn, it's our job and duty to pass it on to the next person, um, no matter what age they are. So if you're dealing with kids or to young adults. So um I would say to guys that maybe, you know, just navigating, you know, what does taking better care of your mental health look like? Um, I would say just take it one day at a time. Um, anything that you learn that you feel is beneficial to you, it is going to be beneficial to you. And it's a it's a long road. Like we talked about earlier. We we're talking about navigating society as African American men, also the impact of those 400 years, also the box that our as in our um race has placed us in and expects us to perform to a certain ability while all trying to figure out who you are. That's a lot. Um just so just give yourself grace. Um take your time, lean on community. Um, community always starts small, so don't always don't always think, oh, it has to be a big group. If you just have one or two people to talk to, apparently, and these days, you can see a lot of people don't have that. Um one or two people to talk to, and whatever you learn from there, I just I hope that it continues to grow and flourish. And whatever information you do get, I would say just pass it on to the next man.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:07

I agree. Yeah. Mental health is something the way the mind works is crazy. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot, man. So tell the people where they can find you in active dads.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:22

All right, you guys can find me. Um, the website is www.theactivad.com. Our Instagram is underscore active dad, and my personal Instagram is D underscore mod. That's M O D D Father. Um, I'm telling you, if you follow my personal page, do not look to come to my personal page just for uh dad content. You get a little bit of everything. You you're gonna see me daddy and you're gonna see me creating, you're gonna see me outside. Um I'm out I feel like sometimes people follow my personal page. I'm like, bro, you like really funny. I'm like, hey, don't come here just for the dad stuff, all right? I be I'll be having to get this. Right, I'll be having to get the stuff off, all right? You want daddy content, go to the bad page.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:04

Right, right, right. That's where you go. So this is the space where I open it up for you to ask me a question, make a statement, comment. Um, Dina, you you uh available just in case he got something for you?

SPEAKER_01 1:10:19

Um of course, Tay.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:23

Because I feel like because when I when I do podcast interviews, I kind of throw questions back at you while we're talking. So I'm like, I asked you the questions I did have.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:31

Um I didn't know if that was the question.

SPEAKER_05 1:10:34

Um so I that was clever. So uh yeah, like I think that's I just said we could do that, just throw something back at you in the middle of the question. But um, what I will say is uh just from the conversation today, what is some stuff that you think you would want to implement more or um shed light on more to your your peers when it comes to men's mental health? Or if I think to set the question up better would be if someone you know comes to you and they're struggling with their mental health, um, what what are some tips that you would give them?

SPEAKER_00 1:11:04

Hmm, wasn't expecting that. Um I'm usually the person that everybody calls anyway. You good, you know. I'm the therapist, I'm the one that has, I think the older kids. Yeah, you know, so I I kind of just listen and based on them, I just direct, you know, because if you contacted me, it wouldn't be the same as, you know, one of my other homeboys, you know, um, that's not here, you know. Uh we would I would sit down, we would just basically have a conversation. Um, the biggest advice I would give take a breath. Yeah, take a deep breath. You know, tell whoever, whatever it is, hold up. You know, go pray about it. But when you pray, don't really be like, okay, God, da da da da. Like just go spend some time with God. You know, just okay, God, I'm listening. And just stay. You know, be in his presence. Don't force anything else. Don't don't force God to speak, just let God be there. You know what I'm saying? And with that and and everything, just sit back, do a self-examination, and I'm gonna say self-reflection. Okay, you know, because a lot of times I hear people feel they are the cause of whatever's going on. Yeah, you know, and and I guess that goes back to childhood trauma. Like, well, you did this, you did that. And it's like, but I really didn't, so now it's engraved. I did. And but what did you do? You know, step back, step away. Hey, wifey, girlfriend, fiance, you you I need a minute. Yeah, you know, like you said, go for that run, you know, take a walk. Just go sit in the car, call somebody, you know, and and again to to go back to I that's really the advice I have because it's like everything for me is like a case-by-case basis.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:17

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:17

You know, I don't think there's a general thing except go pray and walk away. You know? So no, that's good.

SPEAKER_05 1:13:26

That's good. Yeah, I d I ain't having anything else. Miss Dina, you off the hook this episode.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:32

I appreciate that. Well, it wasn't gonna ask you.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:35

I learned some things, and that's what I was about to ask. So, Dina, knowing that you have two black men sitting in front of you, right? Grew up with, I'm gonna call it childhood trauma because I know that's what it is for me, right? Yeah. Um, what did you see today and hear that you feel women may need to know and be cautious of? I got real deep real quick then.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:01

You did. You caught me off guard, but okay, I'm ready.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:04

Is your mic on?

SPEAKER_01 1:14:05

Is it turned up? Yeah, my mic is on.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:09

What was the last part of your core your statement or question you said about the women?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:14

Did you hear or learn today that you feel women need to be um, what I say, cautious of?

SPEAKER_01 1:14:21

Yeah, I was gonna ask the question to Maud, but he answered, answered it about um, you know, the self-care thing. So I think as women, we need to make space for the men in our lives and also encourage um, I'm I'm encourage therapy, encourage people to use their copay, you know, because a lot of us don't believe in therapy. So I think that as women, we just need to make space.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:45

I'd also say they can look into EAP as well.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:48

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 1:14:49

Um, because I know with I've been checked with my current employer, but I know my last, or it could have been, because this is my I went back to a company I was at before, but they cover like seven sessions a year for therapy. And and they also cover like if anyone else in your household, so like if your um wife, son, or anybody else wants to do therapy, you can they're listed under your household. So um, and and like Dina was saying, it's a lot of resources out here. It's a lot of resources out here, and I just think um within our society, I want us to do a better job of just looking into the resources and the support that we do have because um other other ethnicity ethnicities, they're most definitely doing it. Um they're they're taking advantage of it. And it's and this technology day and age that we're in right now, and you can find out anything. Just put on put on chat GBT and all the other different AI assistant tools that we do have.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:44

I agree, I agree. Well, I mean, I don't have anything else. I think we're good for this episode. Yeah, you know, conversation will still be ongoing, but yeah, this was good. I appreciate it, man.

SPEAKER_05 1:16:00

Hey man, we appreciate you too, my boy. Yes, sir. Appreciate you having me on. Always always good to be seen. What'd it say? Um back home, it says good to be seen and not viewed. Yeah, so on.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:11

Oh yes, yes. So, um, Dina, do you have anything? No. All right, well, listen, y'all. That he huh? Oh, I thought you were saying something. My bad. Oh, okay, my bad. Yeah, I'm here to stop. So listen, y'all. That's it for this episode. Uh shout out to Alan Look Studio, Charlotte Podcast Studio, and Artbox Charlotte. I would like to thank Google for us.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:44

Thank us.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:45

Yeah, so until next time. Yeah, until next time.